Well today has taught me a significant lesson. I’m in an important time of my life and I need to focus on my exams from now on. If I screw up now well then yeah, I won’t get into the courses/subjects I need for next year to get into any university when I’m older and I don’t want people online commanding me what actions to take or Stardoll to distract me any longer.
I’m tired of people telling me what I should, do or what I can’t do. It may seem like I’m this perfect flawless doll on Stardoll who magically seems to conjure up videos and posts, but behind it all I’m just an ordinary teenage girl. I have feelings too and I just feel like nobody really gets that sometimes. People are so inconsiderate, from telling me what I can and cannot post (Let me learn on my own, that’s the best way) to if I should change my virtual outfit (I have, so stop nagging already).
I’ve been through a lot on this website and it’s been a weird and wonderful journey, I’ve been wanting to leave Stardoll once I hit 1000 posts here (only 6 away) but I don’t know if I’m that ready to take such a big step.
I know for some people Stardoll is a virtual website but I’ve learnt so many life lessons here that it’s incredible for me to fathom. Even when I type this now, you as a reader won’t really know or truly understand what I mean by that – that’s the truth.
I can’t sit on Stardoll all day preaching on this blog and expect everyone to understand. We all have different journeys and paths – people still view Stardoll as a game.
I just feel I’ve lost that sense of blogging, like I’m restricted. I’ve never been so truthful since my old days where I couldn’t spell for pennies. Even on my Four Years on Stardoll post I held back. People telling me I shouldn’t do this, I shouldn’t swear, Lel you can’t say that, why did you do that? There’s not need for that lel. That’s just offensive lel. Can’t talk like that Lel. What did you do that for Lel? Are you okay lel, take a break. Well y’know what – that’s what I’m going to do.
People say the exact things above all the time and that the majority have said such things recently and in the past. I’m sick and tired of always being commanded around and I always have to justify myself – there is a real human behind this screen. I’m exhausted of always trying to push myself to please everyone. I even have blogging rules memorised in my head. You can’t call anybody names. Don’t insult a stranger. Don’t support obscene theories. Don’t swear. The list goes on.
Even when I’m typing this you won’t understand how it feels. Even if you go through all the comments I’ve received this month and in the past, you won’t know how it feels to be me and how it effects me.
Nothing is wrong in my personal life. Kinda strange since I know people use Stardoll as an escape. It’s here online that’s holding me back right now. I don’t want to be sitting in the exam hall and thinking “I wish I done this..”. No regrets.
I adore Bleach.
I know this post may sound petty and self involved but y’know what? This is my blog, you can stop reading whenever you feel like it and I won’t even know. Nobody runs the blog except me, not anybody else. I get the final and only say in everything.
I let everyone know how long it takes to make a video or how long I’ve been on Stardoll or how long it takes me to write a rant – not to impress or to be praised but to actually show I genuinely like what I’m doing here. You see people all the time creating projects etc. Just for the status and popularity gain and that’s certainly something I despise. What’s the point in reading a blog with no passion behind it? No matter how badly it’s written or no matter how many followers you have – keep working at it if you truly want to create a blog worth reading or having pride in. Having followers but low quality posts won’t change anything. Sure you know people are reading but what’s the point in reading something if the person isn’t there because they enjoy writing or they don’t actually want to be there for the right reasons? Those projects are pretty easy to spot. I never want to advertise or be a part of those. I like to look at my blog and think “Wow, look how much I’ve reflected here over these two years” not “Gosh, look I received over 1500 views on Saturday”. I want to look at my channel and say “I spent 9 hours on that tutorial because I enjoyed what I was doing not because I felt obliged to” not “I’ve got over 900 subscribers and nearly 500,000 overall views.” It isn’t about the statistics, but about the joy of doing something you take pride in.
Lion King *-* Pride Rock
I’m not typing this in a place of anger or hurt – I’m typing this in pure honesty and it’s time for me to kick back and relax for once and stop trying to say or do whatever anybody wants me to do. I have my own opinions and my own mind which functions perfectly. Not saying that everything up to this point was a lie and in the future I’m going to start talking about obscene topics – but I just want to have a laidback focus on this blog. Of course I know what is morally right or wrong and I know what subjects I cannot bring into this blog. This isn’t my job, I’m not a Stardoll FAQ, I’m not a guidance teacher and I’m not some writer. So I need to stop acting like I have to do this and I have to do that – a little less pressure would have been nice.
You may go through the comments and scratch your head and say “Where’s the pressure from?”. From the slightest sentences to the snarky comments – it’s there. Even people feel the need to insult my work when requesting ideas and think “What was wrong with it? I thought it was good enough to post publicly”.
So I’m going to take a break. Not just because of this moment of realisation but because I have three English exams to sit on Friday. Two Music and Modern Studies next week plus a couple of more this month. This isn’t dinky summary tests. It’s proper examinations. Two year studies have been building up to this and I’m not going to get distracted with some virtual world. I’ve said this before but I didn’t have the guts to work on it. I’ll post randomly whenever I have the time between revision or whenever I feel like I want to post.
I never thought I’d write a post like this for a long time. Where I type without deleting or scrawling out thinking “Oh Lel, you really shouldn’t say that. People might get the wrong idea there”.
Thank you to everyone for your support on here, Youtube and especially on Stardoll. I’ll still go online and I’ll reply to messages etc. I’m not going to make any promises on posting every week or such things – I’d feel to guilty of getting someone’s hopes up and letting them down.
I’m not going to apologise for this long ramble. I apologise far too much for doing silly little things. Think I’m writing too much? You’re not obliged to read here, there’s a big X somewhere along your screen. Don’t like what you’re hearing? You’re are not chained to this blog – you can easily stop reading in mid-sentence. Not included pretty pictures? I’ll add a panda in there for you. UPDATE: Done that now.
I hate when people protest on blogs “This is MY blog, I can do whatever I want”. I promised myself I would never include that phrase in a post but this time it’s not for defensive reasons but I feel like it’s necessary at this point.
I might post this week, I might not. Depends. Bye folks, time for me to rest my feet and bury my head in some revision notes in the early hours of the morning. I just need time to figure out what I need to do and to consider what’s going to happen to this blog for the future. I’ll still post, I just need time. Surely there should be more of it.
UPDATE: I’ve added pictures for all those who want something to look at whilst reading. Best. Panda. Video. Ever. Just adorable.
Erm.. I don’t actually have a picture of a panda on my Blackberry . . Unless you want to see all my stuffed panda teddies and merchandise. So I’ll add pretty pictures in another day of sad emoticons and agitated pandas. Did I actually write this on my Blackberry? Correct.
Here’s two cool Bichon Frises. I saved this after my first halve of my History mock-exam as one of my friends noticed the similarity between the dog’s face and the epic smiley.
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